Ever run into a marketer who seem a little off? It could be their chilly demeanor, or their stiff, vacant communication style. But something about them doesn’t seem fully human. You can’t help but shout “Zoinks, Scoob! It looks like we’ve found ourselves a marketing monster!!” as you run off in your khaki pants and olive green t-shirt, leaving your friends to pick up your slack.
The Results Ghost
The Burnout Vampire
The Burnout Vampire somehow manages to latch on to work and never lets go. You receive emails from them at terrifyingly odd hours of the night wanting to discuss the minutiae of your landing page copy. They constantly haunt your office to give you tiny updates about a project in an accent that you can’t quite place, but that sounds vaguely Eastern European. All of these strange behaviors are probably a side effect of the fact that they never seem to leave their coffin of an office. No wonder they appear to have an aversion to sunlight, resulting in an extraordinarily pale complexion. It’s almost as if they never stop to check their reflection in a mirror. Their one-dimensional personality can be a tad annoying at best, and blood-sucking at worst.
The Buzzword Zombie
Ever been trapped in a room with someone who repeats the latest marketing jargon over and over again without ever seeming to actually do anything? Then you might have found a Buzzword Zombie. They were fine, you could even say animated, just a few weeks ago when they signed the software contract, but something seems to have suddenly changed. Their flesh looks different (grayer, perhaps?) than the last time you saw them. Did you just see their shoulder pop out of its socket as they shuffled toward the whiteboard in your weekly meeting? “Not now… I’m busy disrupting… re-architected MarTech stack… big data is the new black…” they mumble as they draw that same Venn Diagram you’ve seen so many times before. Wait— Is that a bite mark on their arm?! “I see myself as a Growth Hacker…” you hear them murmur right before they pick your brain at your weekly happy hour. Makes you wonder how much deep thought is actually lurking beneath all of those buzzwords?
The 1.0 Mummy
This marketing monster is so tightly wound up in Marketing 1.0 tactics that they think their way (which probably killed the marketing game before there was a thing called the Internet) is the only way to go. They don’t understand modern, integrated marketing and don’t see why random, disconnected acts of content, media, and technology won’t deliver results. Entombed in their outdated ways, they refuse to see why anyone would want to use multiple channels to target, engage, capture, nurture, and convert their target audience. And DO NOT bring up segmentation and personalization — they’ll quickly become unwound. It takes a careful, steady hand to peel back the layers on this one.
The Emotional Frankenstein
Obsessive, bizarrely sensitive, and easily hurt, this marketing monster just wants to belong. Early in Frankenstein’s monster’s marketing life, they had such promise. But their stitched together ideas and tactics never quite come together into a whole concept that makes real sense. Who rejected them along the way? Maybe it was a mean-spirited creative director, or a busy VP of demand generation. But all of that anger, hurt and secretly harbored shame grew into a powerful and wounded view of the world. And now, they want projects done their way, regardless of the Arctic tundra that must be crossed, or the innocent villagers they may have to crush. Of course, it’s not their fault. We’re all constructed of the bits and pieces of knowledge and experience we pick up along the way. Give this monster a hug, if you can get past all the nuts and bolts holding them together.